When I first walked into the office of the Wolfenzon Schulman & Ryan law firm, I knew that my journey had just begun. I knew that a host of tasks, instructions, and law concepts awaited me, while my skills and creativity awaited them. The environment of the law firm was nothing like the more strict prestigious law firm in downtown, but more like a family0oriented law firm. Everyone moved in a way that said importance, but represented chill reality. The function of the place circulated in a motion and style that made me want to be apart. I wanted to help! I wanted to learn! was all that I knew. Then....came my office. My place of work, learning, accomplishing, and creating. But wait! I think my key is arriving to open my next door to knowledge. I hear her Aldo stilettos getting closer and closer. I feel my mind getting more anxious. She appears, sits down, and here we are. Her presence is the beginning to part two of my journey. Her answers await my questions, and my interest awaits her story.
Feedback Questions:
1. What should I change?
2. Too descriptive?
3. What should come next?
4. Should i organize the intro differently?
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After my first skim I was able to find a couple just wrong problems with your writing, like "..." and you included the number "0" in family oriented. Just basic problems that can be fixed with just a fast skim.
ReplyDeleteAfter a good read I was able to see that your intro seems like a magazine article trying to be a poem. It's not too descriptive, and we do get the idea but I don't really see a physical description of her, what does she look like, etc. Perhaps include a second paragraph about her, her background, and her history with the company. Other than that you should be fine.